Letting Go

In February, I wrote about the feeling of calm that comes before the rest of the world wakes up on a snow day. Today, I was reminded of that same feeling, as I stepped out onto our balcony overlooking the bay here in Traverse City. It's certainly not that early, but early enough that no one else has made it down to the water just yet. In the busy world we live in, I can appreciate even the illusion of quiet and calm. 

It's been almost a week since our wedding and I've spent a good part of the past week looking for words to talk about it all.  I don't think there's any way to summarize something as wonderful as this...so I'm not sure it's worth trying. Leading up to last weekend, I was surprised as how generally calm I was. We needed to bring nearly everything to the venue several days before the wedding, so it was good to get those things completely done and off our hands early in the week. It was a strange feeling though to have little to do leading up to a day we had spent over a year planning. At times, it felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop...for something to catch me off guard and send me off my rocker, like a detail I claimed to not care at all about that suddenly was going to ruin the entire weekend. I'm proud to say I made it through the whole weekend without that though. I had thought about it a lot beforehand and I didn't want to spend the whole wedding so busy worrying that things wouldn't go right that I missed all the amazing things that were happening.  I can see how easy it is to get fixated on it needing to all be perfect, especially if you're someone who has an eye for these sorts of things...decorations, colors, flowers. We, being me and Ryan, our parents and our bridal party and friends, spent a lot of time over the past year preparing for this one day, and it felt good to finally just let go of all the worrying, and be in the moment. 

I was talking recently with a friend who was impressed by my having run a few half-marathons. Having only known this person since I've moved to Ann Arbor, it was hard to emphasize how I haven't always been a runner...it has been and continues to be a lot of work to be able to say I've run that distance. When I think about why I have and will continue to do it, a big reason is all of the emotions that come along with it, particularly at the end. Like planning a wedding, training for a race takes months of hard work, compromise, and commitment. While the days leading up to a race can be overwhelming and even frightening, I'm always reminded that at that point, the hard work is (err, or isn't) done. All you can do is let go, enjoy the time you've put in, trust yourself, and be present in the moment. For me, it's worth the months of hard work to just be able to let go. It seems we're always so busy, there's always going to be something big going on. We always dream about this idea of "later," when things aren't so hectic, but is there really that time? Oddly enough, for me, running is a chance to stop, feel, and just be. 

I always hear people say that their wedding was the best of their life and I've realized now that that's possible - we are all going to have different best days. I feel a little like I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but for me, it's true as well. As crazy as that day was, there were moments within it that I will always remember so clearly, moments I've deemed my "mental snapshots" (thank you Jim and Pam), where their memory brings the exact emotions of those moments back - breakfast with some of my best friends outside on the patio that morning; seeing Ryan for the first time that afternoon; sandwiched between my parents, deep breaths taken just before walking down the aisle; watching from the balcony before being introduced to what would be a ridiculously perfect party. 

I'm going to throw it out there and guess that life is never going to slow down. There will be moments we remember to take those mental snapshots, but the rest of our days will keep flying by. Having things that anchor us - runs that give us nothing but time to think, races that allow us to appreciate everything and everyone in our lives - help make sure we remember to slow down, stop worrying for even just for a little, and enjoy it...things that make sure we don't just drift through it all. 

Getting Married in the Morning!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - one of my most favorite things about running (and then blogging about it) is how much of a metaphor it is for the rest of life. Tomorrow will be a huge day in my life - our wedding! - so it's only natural that yet again I make the comparison as I reflect on everything that has led up to this day.

In the course of a single year of wedding planning, you are asked how it's going an incredible amount of times. I'm not pointing fingers - my engaged friends will tell you I do the same thing - but I realized quickly how hard it is to give a true answer. Usually, I respond with whatever was happening RIGHT then - a big cross-off on the to-do list or a recent time suck over a very minor detail. But to really summarize how it's ALL going? All of the things you do and feelings you feel and people involved? That's much harder to do.

I went for a run on Wednesday to the park where Ryan and I got engaged and with so much going on this week, I appreciated the time to be by myself and think. One of the last things left to do this week has been writing thank you cards to our parents and the bridal party. I thought about all the times during this past year that I have tried my hardest to express my gratitude for EVERYTHING they have done for me and for us. After a beautiful and thoughtful bridal shower, I choked my way through a short thank you, sent an email and wrote thank you cards. After an incredible weekend away with all my girlfriends in AC, I tried yet again with phone calls and more words. As I began writing this final expression of my appreciation, I just now realizing that it is never going to be enough. I've wanted so badly to be able to truly convey what this year has meant to me. Of course, it's about me and Ryan, but we decided to have the wedding we're having because having our family and friends be a big part of it was so important to us. They have truly made this year, and will make this weekend, what it was for us. 

And so when I reflect back on this past year, what stands out are the moments with the people we love so much - getting engaged with our families nearby to celebrate; the excitement and love we received after sending out our bookmarks; knowing that our friends from Michigan are coming all the way out here this; walking into a bridal shower that was a product of SO much time, thoughtfulness, love and effort, with so many amazing women in my life present; doing so again just two months later in AC; being with our families just last night and hearing them laugh together the way that they do together. It feels incredibly great to have it feel exactly how I wanted it to feel going into this weekend. For all of the time we have all put into the details, if I were to summarize this last year, they would have no part in it. I didn't want to become so consumed in details (which is easy to do with this, let me tell you!) that I lost sight of who and what really mattered about this weekend. My summary would be a snapshot of these favorite moments and the feelings that accompanied them. 

On Wednesday's run, I thought about the races I've done, and all the support and love I've received along the road to race day. While I know there were days when I got caught up in the details (and have the blog posts to prove it), just as with this year of planning, when I think back to it all now, it's the people and the feelings that stick out most. I never would have run even one half - or any of the runs that prepared me for them - without training runs with countless number of my biggest fans; my parents's encouragement and confidence in me; texts, emails, and calls of encouragement and well wishes; cheerleaders on every course rooting me on and bringing a smile to my face.  I tear up just thinking about it....maybe that's what keeps me connected to running. It's a clear reminder to me of how fortunate I am for the support system that I have. I couldn't have done any of those races without it...and I wouldn't have wanted to.

Reflecting on the parallels between running and this last year, I think I've finally realized what I was bound to realize eventually. There will never be a point in time when I feel like I've truly expressed my gratitude for what all of my support systems - my parents and family, my friends, and of course, Ryan - have done for me. I can write as many emails and cards as I want, and choke my way through as many verbal thank you's as I am willing to attempt, but if things keeping going the way they're going, I will inevitably always be left feeling like I got a really good end of the stick. Into our married life (!!!), I know this will continue to be a blessing for us....to have people we can lean on when we need to, and people we can share our lives with. 

If the only thing left to do the morning before our wedding is just to feel all the feelings - gratitude, love, appreciation, excitement - then I consider myself pretty lucky....but also a little stuck. I'm not sure this one will ever get crossed off the to-do list. 

The Paradox of Summer

It seems this happens nearly every summer. School's out, and with all this "free time" (which is really an illusion), I fall out of the daily routine. While I do still think about blogging, there never seems to be a good time or moment to get it done. Well now...THIS IS THAT MOMENT! 

This summer has been, and will continue to be, filled with so many amazing people, places, and events. I returned to New Orleans for 2+ weeks, went down to DC twice for super fun weddings, attended two conferences for work, and have now returned East in anticipation of our upcoming nuptials. While I am so thankful that I have the time off from work to do these things, traveling always makes maintaining any kind of routine a challenge, especially for me. For once, it seems, I was proactive though, and knew this would happen. While a shortage of time and energy in New Orleans left my sneakers untouched for quite some time, the rest of the summer has been filled with a lot of different alternatives to "just" running. I got a 3-class free pass to a gym in Philly and a month membership to a gym in New York, where I'm excited to take advantage of their diverse class schedule. I'm enjoying the variety in work-outs (especially with the wedding just over two weeks away, of course!). 

When I think about what I get out of running, it's mostly about having time that's kept separate from any to-do lists, a chunk of my day that's reserved for me. It's time to think... or time to not think at all. While my schedule has Mr. Potato Head'ed itself these past few weeks, I guess I have found a roundabout way to maintain some kind of routine. I am still getting what I need for me - some time for myself, a chance to burn some calories, and of course, an excuse to buy some new workout clothes :O). 

Words from the Wise

"Remember the feeling you get from a good run is far better than the feeling you get from sitting around wishing you were running." - Sarah Condor

I Run for Boston

This week has undeniably been an emotional week. Regardless of whether you are from Boston or are a runner, the tragedies of this week have impacted everyone. 

Running for me has always been an escape, a "place" where anyone can be anything they want, or dream, to be. It's where I wrestle with bad days and tough situations and it's how I stay grounded when things get stressful. When I came home from work on Monday to see images of the world famous Boston Marathon and heard how an event that celebrates average people doing incredible things was shattered, it left my heart broken for so many different people and reasons. It was just pure unfair. How do we grapple with these things that happen for, really, no good reason? Where can we go to let our guard down and just be, when the one place I've always been able to go feels tainted? 

Sindy sent me an article written by Matt Frazier from No Meat Athlete that helped me to begin to make sense of my emotions. I shared it with other runners who I knew would appreciate having their same feelings expressed so well, knowing we weren't alone. Maybe it's because I never played a team sport growing up, but I love the sense of community there is in what is typically considered a individual sport. 

I was unsure about how to proceed the rest of the week. We've all been affected in our own ways. I feel slightly uneasy about loudly proclaiming my love, and just as Frazier noted, I wonder how I can run for people I don't even know. Nevertheless, we have all been impacted by these events, and I knew I had to just run to sort through and process it all. On Wednesday, I finally did that.

It was raining on and off during the run, which felt just right. While I think often about the impact running has had on my life, I thought about more than just that...about the connections and the kindness it brings into the world, about how so many people have already committed themselves to ensuring that the Boston Marathon is not synonymous with terror or bombing, but with love, dedication, and community, declaring that they will run it next year. 

I've always loved a Kara Goucher quote about how running allows us to see how wonderful life is....and while it feels wrong to say it, I guess that's what this run did too. We will never forget the horrific acts of that day, but we cannot give up and be defeated. We must dust ourselves off and keep going to prove that we won't let acts of terror and violence dictate our lives. 

Three Years!

This week marks the third anniversary of my running/blogging - wow! This chance to reflect on the impact running has had on my life has been important. As always, life gets so busy, and it's easy to make excuses. I don't just mean excuses to not work out, but excuses to cut out things that are important to us, just because they're not linked to work or "being productive." When there's an endless list of things to do, it's easy to drop off the "me" time, which for me, is really what running is.

Yesterday, I ran in my first 10k and it was great! In a nearly game day decision, Ryan decided to run with me and it made what could have been a cold and nerve-wrecking race fun and fast. At one point along the route, we were running behind two older women who had just connected while running. One of them may have had headphones in (or was just really loud), so it was easy to follow their conversation. It went something like this:


Lady 1: There you are! I was looking for you all morning.
Lady 2: Hi! Good to see you. Keep going. I don't want to hold you back.
Lady 1: No, don't be silly. I'm staying with you. I want to run together.
Lady 2: No, No. Go ahead. 
Lady 1: I don't want to go ahead. I want to run this with YOU!! 

This doesn't even do the scenario justice - it was perfect. People run for so many different reasons and whether or not one of those reasons involves other people, the camaraderie and relationships built and strengthened out on the road are truly priceless. I've gotten so much out of running, but when I think about the runs I've shared with friends, I am so thankful for this extra time together. I have no doubt that I wouldn't feel the way I do about running if it weren't for them - thank you!

After the 10k yesterday, we went to see David Sedaris speak/read and it was awesome. He was hilarious, and aside from being unable to walk after from my knees being so tight, it was a lot of fun. After his reading, he took questions from the audience and someone asked how touring had impacted his self-confidence and ego. He talked about how while at first he loved the applause and positive reinforcement from his audiences, he quickly realized how easy it was to dismiss this praise - "Oh what do they know?!" He talked about how being a writer from The New Yorker was what really solidified his feelings about and confidence in his work. Regardless of what people said, no one, not even he, could deny the fact that his work was good enough for The New Yorker. 

I immediately related to this. It's so easy to dismiss praise and compliments from others if we don't believe in ourselves. While I pride myself on being self-reflective, it's a challenge to avoid being my harshest critic, overlooking what is undeniably there. Thinking about this, I decided to see how much I had run over these past three years. Aside from a few indoor runs on the track, most of my runs have been logged through a few different apps/devices, so I set out to collect and crunch the numbers. The purpose isn't to boast or brag, but to give myself solid evidence that even I couldn't dispute. 

And now I have it. In three years, I've run 1179 miles over 270 runs - WHAT! That's nearly the equivalent of running from my current apartment in Michigan to my old one in Philadelphia....and then back to Michigan. My relationship with running is still far from perfect - I still dread, avoid, and skip runs. I still struggle to find the motivation to get out the front door. I still have days where something I've done dozens of times feels like it's the first time. Nevertheless, the time I've put into running over the past three years has had an incredible impact on my life and who I am. For me, running is more than one foot in front of the other. It's all the things that come along with it - the memories, friendships, accomplishments. It's the new places I've seen and the old places I've seen in a new light. Here's to another wonderful year of all these great things....and some running too :O).

Zoom In, Zoom Out

When I was landing in New Orleans on Tuesday morning, I loved the chance to test my geographical knowledge of a city I have now spent a significant amount of time visiting. The curves of the Mississippi can make navigating New Orleans a challenge for out-of-towners, so it was exciting to be able to local certain landmarks and neighbors in the area as we began our descent.

On the occasion that a city’s airport is actually near that city, it’s a good feeling to be able to identify certain sites and appreciate a familiar place from a new perspective. As we began to near New Orleans, I realized that my two favorite ways to see both my favorite cities and new places are completely the opposite – from the air and on foot.

On several trips down to New Orleans specifically, I’ve had the chance to run in different parts of the city. When I visited with my family a few years ago, an early morning run that looped through some downtown neighborhoods left me a much better understanding of what was what and how it all connected. When I went back last summer, I was able to explore even more parts of the greater city, seeing things I most likely wouldn’t have had the chance to if I weren’t running it.

Seeing cities from the air can be the same thing. You see them in a different way – who knew there were so many pools around here? – and the big picture provides you with a much different feeling than when you’re up close.

I think about my relationship with Philly, a city I feel so connected to, but in a unique way, having not grown up there. I can easily think of a handful of routes I’ve run throughout Philly – our usual jams in Manayunk, running up JFK through Love Park and to the Art Museum, the Independence circuit, tackling the Ben Franklin Bridge, crossing the East Falls Bridge, the Kelly Drive loop – and I feel all warm and fuzzy. I am grateful that I have not only spent time doing things in these places, but having run them makes that connection stronger. While I no longer know all the curves of Kelly Drive, I am confident that running was an avenue for me to get to know the city better, both on a geographically surface level and on an I-love-everything-about-you level.

No longer living in Philly, I not only love going back, but I love flying back (especially since it means 10 less hours in the car). The airport is in the perfect location for me to see it all in one big, beautiful picture. While I know and love all the separate parts, when I see the whole city together as one frame, it feels like a deep, fulfilling exhale. I guess it’s hard to explain if you don’t love places like I do, almost like they’re people, but just as our relationships with people grow as we do more together, so do our relationships with places. Seeing them from different angles – by foot or by plane – can add to our appreciation, and deepen our love.