Slowing Down

Last week, I went for my first run postpartum and this morning, I was able to spend 25 minutes on my yoga mat. While I'm really proud that I found made time to do this (only possible with Ryan's help, of course), I'm reluctant to share it, as I don't want the intention behind it to be misconstrued. I'd be ignoring the obvious if I didn't acknowledge the role these activities'll likely play in my body post-pregnancy but right now, it's more than that.

During my second trimester, I replaced my running routine with regular walks. I wasn't sure walking was a hobby I could get into; despite knowing it would be worthwhile, mentally, I just wasn't into it. On a superficial level, I kept wondering what I would get out of walking. I knew it wouldn't yield the same level of sweat or mileage as running, so when there was so much going on in my day-to-day, would I really prioritize walking over other things on my to-do list?

And then, just like that, I did. Before school let out in June, I found myself looking forward to morning walks before work, the chance to get out and moving before much of the world was awake. I quickly found that I liked walking despite my ever-growing to-do lists. I knew it wasn't burning the same calories compared to running, but surprisingly, that's what I loved about it. When I stripped away the obvious physical benefits, I was able to focus on everything else I got out of it, and I was left with something I've really always known.

I appreciated all those walks because of what they did for me mentally. Being active, and I think walking in particular, feels like a real-life Saved by the Bell time-out; it puts perspective on all the tasks of the day, the stresses of the week, and the challenges that feel past my reach. I found myself going out to walk so I could have time to slow down and just be.

Given where I am in my life at this very moment, finding time to go for a walk or run or be on my yoga mat seems like the incredible feat, but I know making it a priority is worth it. Yes, I know it will help me physically and I'm not above that being important - I'm sure there are times when that will be the driving force behind why I do it, but while I associate running and working out with moving quickly to burn calories, right now, being active feels like a chance to slow down. I'm still getting used to the idea that I now wear the hat of mom and do not for one second get me wrong - it's an amazing gift to have this role in someone's life. But that being said, it would be unfair to myself if I ignored the parts of me that have existed for the past thirty years, all the roles I had prior to my daughter's arrival, all the aspects of my life that I hope help contribute to me being a good parent.

When I'm able to go for a 15 minute run or close the door to our office to stretch or even sit down to write all of this, I'm honoring those other parts of me. And I know these moments of time, albeit brief, to just be someone who isn't defined by a relationship will make me all the better in those relationships.

Celebrating Me

Ryan with a sleeping tiger

Using my birthday as a good excuse to travel, we headed to Chicago this past weekend. Ryan and I have each been there once, but separately. I love that we can get there so easily from Ann Arbor, so this was a good excuse to take advantage of our proximity. 

Lion and I 

We lucked out and had beautiful weather all weekend. After the winter we've had, it was perfect (because yes, 40 degrees and sunny is now considered "perfect"). I wasn't even bothered when the sun shining through the window woke me up yesterday morning. I was just glad to see it. We stayed in Lincoln Park, so I was excited to incorporate both the (free!) zoo and the lake into our run yesterday. While we did end up having time to return to the zoo today (because now that I'm 28, apparently I can't sleep past 7am), it was neat to be able to run through a pretty unusual backdrop. Being able to run through it made me appreciate the ability to pack in extra sights of a new place.

Lake Michigan

The run, and really, the whole weekend, was a perfect reminder of why I love spring. Each year, before this beautiful weather becomes the norm, people allow something that was just recently a (literal) cloud over our lives to become something we appreciate. I recently thought about the concept of "spring cleaning," and it makes sense. Spring feels like a new beginning, a chance to realign or reset. Similar to the start of the school year and Rosh Hashanah, or January 1 and New Year's, the arrival of spring feels like an opportunity to appreciate, celebrate, and reflect. Of course it's all I've ever known, but I like having my birthday this time of year for that reason. There have been years when it's still felt like winter and years I even remember some snow, but when the weather is what it's been this weekend, I can't help but use my birthday and the return of nice weather to slow down and be grateful.

Cheering on the Phils in
Chicago!

To me, running is the more consistent reminder of the chance we have reset, each day, without a formal occasion or big milestone. It's a self-given opportunity to slow down and process. My friends and family know that I am very reflective, sometimes to the point of a fault, so perhaps I don't rely on runs to do that as much as I do to appreciate. It can be easy to get caught up in wanting to go farther and faster, but I am still in a place where I can pat myself on the back for simply putting on my sneakers, going out, and running. Birthdays are the day of the year when everyone around you celebrates you, but what about the other 364 days?  Of course there are days when I feel frustrated with where I'm at versus where I'd like to be in my running, but overall, my runs have managed to remain a place where I continue to celebrate what I am doing, rather than criticize what I'm not. It's a chance to start over, even if just mentally, if it feels like things aren't going my way, and birthday or not, that is a gift I can always give myself. 

My new favorite animal, featuring interesting audio

THE (Other) One

Maybe I've been here before and maybe I'll be back here again, so pardon me for getting caught up in the emotions of it all, but I think I have found THE one - the person who makes me want to be a better person, who brings out a side of me I didn't know was there, who makes me slow down in the craziness of life. This person is my yoga instructor.

I started attending a Thursday night class at the gym in September, when I was attempting to create some semblance of a post-wedding schedule and life. She had subbed for an instructor for a class I was taking last year and I really enjoyed it. She made the experience what I wanted it to be, the reason I had continued to dabble with yoga.

I hear friends talk about finding "the (workout) one" and about the sparks that fly (ahem FBT), so I've spent some time thinking about this phenomenon, if you will. Maybe it's the fact that we can almost recreate ourselves, molding who we are into the person we want to be, through the eyes of someone else. Someone who doesn't know anything about you other than what you bring to the table in that hour, in that studio, on the bike, on that mat. Maybe it's their unobstructed attitude about the task at hand. I feel confident I've created an illusion, but it's one I'll hold on to just tightly enough to keep it close without bursting it with reality. 

Before Ryan and I started working together about six months ago, I wondered what it would be like to see and be seen in a new light, even by my own partner. It's mind blowing to me that our closest family and friends seem to almost have these "secret" lives we will never truly know. Some people call these secret lives "work," but it's really true. So much of what we know of someone's work life is through them and that's not to say it's a bad thing, but it's baffling to me. When I refer to my dad's work friends jokingly in conversation, I often feel like I'm making a joke or referring to imaginary people (since I've never met them, how could they possibly be real?!). Similarly, I could name dozens of friends' co-workers who I enjoy referring to, but really, I do it because to me, it sounds fake and funny. Now my husband and I drive to work together every day and everyone I know and interact with, he knows and interacts with. With that comes a lot of great things - empathy, combined forces to think up ideas I couldn't do without him, the ability to see that otherwise secret side I may never have seen...even though we are married. 

Like anything else, it's about finding a balance. For most people, there will naturally be parts of your life that cannot be completely shared with others. When that feels like it's not there, or maybe when even that's not enough, I find that going to the gym, running, or taking a class can feel like a chance to have something truly just for yourself. Nevertheless, the best support systems are those made up of the people who know all sides of us - who can celebrate our highs because they were there for the lows - but I guess I just like having a place, a person, who recognizes me in a light no one else knows.