Hope Express Reflections

As I type this, the 2014 Hope Express team is making their way from Hershey to Penn State....by foot. I wrote a similar post around this same time last year, about how being so far from an event that is so close to me leaves me with so many emotions. As I obsessively follow the team's travels via social media, I'm transported back to my own experiences from 2011 and 2012. While there are so many moments in life that I love and hold close to me, I always refer back to the "magic" and those feelings from those two nights. I think for me, it's the selflessness that comes along with an event such as this. Similar to THON, people who were virtually strangers prior to the event are suddently doing literally ANYTHING for one another. I'm lucky to have friends and family who I've known for years who I know would bend over backwards for me, and I for them, but seeing people come together for a common purpose, people who otherwise may never had, is such a pure example of the human spirit. In our daily lives, we can lose track of that and reliving my experiences with THON and Hope Express bring me back to that. It sometimes feels like finding your way again, even when you didn't even realize you were lost. 

I haven't run in close to two months now, and this definitely makes me feel a strong pull to. want to do so. The time away has been intentional, but thankfully not due to injury or anything forced. Nevertheless, it's diffferent feeling these emotions on a run than it is sitting here typing. Even the best emotions can be overwhelming and in the past few years, I've found that regardless of the feeling, running helps me to slow down and take it all in.

While I don't think it'll ever get easier to be this far from Hope Express, I'm easily reminded that it doesn't need to always be this way. My hope is that some years I'll return to the mix, while for others, I will remain there in spirit, cheering from afar. Regardless of where I am though, it's a comfort to know that during that 24 hour stretch each year, my heart will be on those roads, crushing those mountains, fighting this fight. We say that when cancer is no more, we'll run(/dance) for joy, but until then...everything we do is for a cure.

2013 Year in Review

And thus, the end of another year is upon us again. 

Martian 10k in April (Dearborn)

As much as there is to reflect on personally and professionally, my gut reaction is to say that there is equally as little to reflect on in terms of my running. While Ryan and I did run a 10k together in April, this is the first year, since starting to run in 2010, that I didn't run a half-marathon. 

Color Run in May (Ypsilanti)

Memorial Day Weekend (DC)

Oddly enough, that leaves me with something different to be proud of - despite not having a race to keep me on track for much of the year, I was able to maintain some semblance of a routine. In some ways, I enjoyed it more. Since I don't have the proof of a half to assess my year, I looked back at the calendar I keep as a loose record of my workouts. In addition to running, I started going to yoga (wow - it's really been a year!?) and had a sprinkling of barre classes in there as well. Looking back on the year now, I can appreciate the positives that come along with not feeling the pressure of a big race. Instead of solely focusing on mileage, I was able to really incorporate fitness into my life overall - something I'm constantly striving for long-term, so it becomes a seamless part of life. 

Incredible BBQ (Birmingham, AL)

While we haven't used them as much as I'd like, we received camelbacks for hiking and took advantage of them when we went up to Traverse City for our mini-moon. I enjoyed runs with friends as an excuse to spend time together and even see places.  A reflection of my running life in 2013, I managed to use three different apps to track my stats, so while I can't pinpoint the exact number, it looks like I ran about 175 miles this year, which is certainly a number I can be proud of. 

Rebuilding with SBP (New Orleans)

Of course, there's so much I could say about the events of 2013 - I was blessed with the opportunity to spend time with my family and friends in leading up to our wedding; 2.5 weeks of service learning, perspective, and community building in New Orleans; a wedding that was more  than I could have ever dreamed of; a birthday back in New York with some of my oldest friends;  a breathtaking bridal shower and bachelorette party filled with thoughtful surprises and a crazy amount of laughter. I'm not sure exactly what 2014 will have in store - while I'd like to run 

Hike on Our Mini-Moon in August (Traverse City)

another half-marathon, reflecting on a year without one makes me see that I don't really need one as much as I thought I did. After a year of wedding planning, it's exciting to think about the possibilities of the blank canvas of a new year. Regardless of what this next year has in store, I'm confident running will in some way 

Visit to the White House
(July)

be part of it. It's something that will continue to keep me grounded, appreciatative, and grateful, which is something I wouldn't trade for anything.

Looking Ahead to 2014: Goals and Resolutions

I always appreciate the start of a new year, a chance to etch out time for myself to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. In the midst of our day-to-day lives, it can be easy to lose sight of our ability to asses and, oftentimes, make simple adjustments  that can possibly yield drastic results to improve aspects of life. I think about my desire, this year specifically, to really improve on particular aspects of my teaching. At the beginning of the year, I was able to create a realistic and practical plan for improving one specific aspect of teaching - questioning and discussion. I identified a book and a few articles that I thought would be beneficial and I read them quickly - it felt good to know my plan wasn't just a plan! Of course, reading about improving the quality of my questioning isn't going to do anything unless I can effectively put it into practice...and sometimes, that's where the breakdown is. In the daily grind, it can be easy to forget about the specifics of what I'm trying to improve. It oftentimes comes down to writing myself a note on my lesson plans or adding a reflection of some sort to the to-do list that sits on my desk. Even with the best of intentions, the train falls off the track when the conductor's retired to the dining car (not sure if that analogy was prepared to be taken THAT far, but you get the point). Setting a goal and having a plan is half the battle, but it sure an't the whole thing. 

My go-to role model/mentor/sensei for everything life, happiness, and life improvement, Gretchen Rubin, wrote about the idea of resolutions vs. goals in her first book, The Happiness Project. While we (people, including myself) enjoy the opportunity for change that comes along with the start of a new year, there's a distinction to be made between a resolution and a goal.  Rubin writes, "You hit a goal, you achieve a goal. You keep a resolution. I think that some objectives are better characterized as resolutions, others, as goals. 'Run in a marathon' or 'Become fluent in Spanish' is a good goal. It’s specific. It’s easy to tell when it has been achieved. Once you’ve done it, you’ve done it! 'Eat more vegetables' or 'Stop gossiping,' or 'Exercise' is better cast as a resolution. You won’t wake up one morning and find that you’ve achieved it. It’s something that you have to resolve to do, every day, forever. You’ll never be done with it." 

My instinct is to poo-poo goals opposed to resolutions, but I've come to realize the point isn't for one to be "better" than the other as much as it is to simply recognize there is a distinction between the two. While being more active is a resolution I will always be working on, setting the goal of running my first half-marathon was what helped me jump start it. While they are finite, I do well with goals, with the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a visible achievement. When I think about the upcoming year, I see a place, and even a need, for both goals and resolutions. Regardless of what you call it, these goals/resolutions require a lot of the same things - commitment, persistence, resiliance, and a dose of reality. 

And thus begins the real work - actually naming my goals and resolutions for 2014. 

THE (Other) One

Maybe I've been here before and maybe I'll be back here again, so pardon me for getting caught up in the emotions of it all, but I think I have found THE one - the person who makes me want to be a better person, who brings out a side of me I didn't know was there, who makes me slow down in the craziness of life. This person is my yoga instructor.

I started attending a Thursday night class at the gym in September, when I was attempting to create some semblance of a post-wedding schedule and life. She had subbed for an instructor for a class I was taking last year and I really enjoyed it. She made the experience what I wanted it to be, the reason I had continued to dabble with yoga.

I hear friends talk about finding "the (workout) one" and about the sparks that fly (ahem FBT), so I've spent some time thinking about this phenomenon, if you will. Maybe it's the fact that we can almost recreate ourselves, molding who we are into the person we want to be, through the eyes of someone else. Someone who doesn't know anything about you other than what you bring to the table in that hour, in that studio, on the bike, on that mat. Maybe it's their unobstructed attitude about the task at hand. I feel confident I've created an illusion, but it's one I'll hold on to just tightly enough to keep it close without bursting it with reality. 

Before Ryan and I started working together about six months ago, I wondered what it would be like to see and be seen in a new light, even by my own partner. It's mind blowing to me that our closest family and friends seem to almost have these "secret" lives we will never truly know. Some people call these secret lives "work," but it's really true. So much of what we know of someone's work life is through them and that's not to say it's a bad thing, but it's baffling to me. When I refer to my dad's work friends jokingly in conversation, I often feel like I'm making a joke or referring to imaginary people (since I've never met them, how could they possibly be real?!). Similarly, I could name dozens of friends' co-workers who I enjoy referring to, but really, I do it because to me, it sounds fake and funny. Now my husband and I drive to work together every day and everyone I know and interact with, he knows and interacts with. With that comes a lot of great things - empathy, combined forces to think up ideas I couldn't do without him, the ability to see that otherwise secret side I may never have seen...even though we are married. 

Like anything else, it's about finding a balance. For most people, there will naturally be parts of your life that cannot be completely shared with others. When that feels like it's not there, or maybe when even that's not enough, I find that going to the gym, running, or taking a class can feel like a chance to have something truly just for yourself. Nevertheless, the best support systems are those made up of the people who know all sides of us - who can celebrate our highs because they were there for the lows - but I guess I just like having a place, a person, who recognizes me in a light no one else knows. 

Managing it All

Each year when August rolls around and school returns, I feel like I'm relearning how to manage, with easy, all the moving pieces of life - how to juggle hours worth of lesson planning without feeling I've lost my whole weekend, how to allow for mid-week mental breaks, how to stay in better contact with loved ones far away, and literally how to find time to just get it all done. I'm so fortunate to have friends who know me so well, but when I was telling a friend the other day about this desire to better balance my professional and personal lives, she responded with something to the effect of, "You're always working on this." And she's completely right. I certainly am inching closer to developing more solid habits that help me to find the balance, but I have a sneaking suspicion that just when I think I've got it all together, new things will magically appear to fill my time. Of course, I want to get better about managing it all, but I don't think I'll ever get to that much-desired state of having endless free time that I so deeply think I desire. I don't think it's about getting it all done to free up time, but rather, about carving out time that's set aside for myself - my me time. There will always be more to do, but if I don't take the time to occasionally put myself first, who will?

Of course, that's where running comes in. In the race to do it all at work over this first months back, I had definitely been in a running lull and that's okay. But as I start to get back into a routine, I notice what I was missing. Time for myself doesn't usually just appear in front of me, carved out and ready to go. Just as I continue to practice on the balance beam of life, I continue to see the place running has in that act. It's not everyone's thing (I guess they call these things "hobbies"), but after nearly four years (!), I have come to recognize that's it mine. 

Today I saw this quote - "It is an ironic habit of human beings to run fast when we have lost our way" (Rollo May) - and I laughed. I love that, because it's so honest and true. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or inadequate at work, my gut reaction is to pour my time in to make everything better really quickly, but there comes a point when you need to take a step back and find your way. 

So despite all the reasons I could find to avoid running at this moment, I'm embracing i. With open arms, as my reset, my (cold) deep  breath, and my scheduled me time.

Give and Take of Team Sports

NYC Marathon Eve seems like a perfect time to break the drought I didn't even realize I was perpetuating. Since adjusting back to real life post-summer/wedding, it's been a slow ease back into a routine of running/physical activity. There will always be a list of reasons why it's difficult to fit it all in, so there's no point in rattling them off. When it's a priority, you make it work. 

It has taken some time for me though to feel like it was a priority, but in the past few weeks, I've slowly eased back into routine of running/yoga and excited to slowly build back my base, and possibly more importantly, my confidence, to get myself ready for some goals my big eyes are set on for 2014. It feels good to be getting back.

Throughout this week, I've been eagerly anticipating and waiting tomorrow, when three of my favorite friends and runners, including one of my nearest and dearest friends/biggest running inspiration, will toe the starting line for the world famous NYC Marathon. Yesterday, I went to watch some of our middle school students play in the championship soccer game, and couldn't help but compare it to a more traditional team sport. After the goalie (ahem, my student - so proud!) made a great save or when the game set to be determined by PKs (as I've been informed they're called), I admired the way the boys all huddled together, supporting one another. I never played a team sport and I always envied that aspect of it...the camaraderie and sense of togetherness. The game came down to a just a few individual moments and ultimately, a shoot out, where our boys lost by one kick. I easily could have shed a few tears - they were so close and I so badly wanted them to feel the feelings that come with winning. Of course, getting to the championship alone was a great feat, but when you're that close, it's impossible to not just want it all.

As we returned to the car, I realized that's something I would never trade about my relationship with running. It's not competitive against anyone but myself. Everyone can truly feel the success of it, because you're only measuring you against yourself. You couldn't run for 5 minutes before? Well now you're running a 5k! Running is about the relationship you have with yourself. When every moment of our days can feel scheduled or jammed, it's invaluable to be able to set aside time just for me.

While I wish I had the experience of reaping the benefits of a team sport, I'm not sure I could handle the responsibility of it, even as an adult. The more you run, the more you realize that running isn't a team sport, but it's certainly not isolated. I think of the countless runs I've shared with friends, of all of the support and growth that's occurred through the support of others. 

Letting Go

In February, I wrote about the feeling of calm that comes before the rest of the world wakes up on a snow day. Today, I was reminded of that same feeling, as I stepped out onto our balcony overlooking the bay here in Traverse City. It's certainly not that early, but early enough that no one else has made it down to the water just yet. In the busy world we live in, I can appreciate even the illusion of quiet and calm. 

It's been almost a week since our wedding and I've spent a good part of the past week looking for words to talk about it all.  I don't think there's any way to summarize something as wonderful as this...so I'm not sure it's worth trying. Leading up to last weekend, I was surprised as how generally calm I was. We needed to bring nearly everything to the venue several days before the wedding, so it was good to get those things completely done and off our hands early in the week. It was a strange feeling though to have little to do leading up to a day we had spent over a year planning. At times, it felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop...for something to catch me off guard and send me off my rocker, like a detail I claimed to not care at all about that suddenly was going to ruin the entire weekend. I'm proud to say I made it through the whole weekend without that though. I had thought about it a lot beforehand and I didn't want to spend the whole wedding so busy worrying that things wouldn't go right that I missed all the amazing things that were happening.  I can see how easy it is to get fixated on it needing to all be perfect, especially if you're someone who has an eye for these sorts of things...decorations, colors, flowers. We, being me and Ryan, our parents and our bridal party and friends, spent a lot of time over the past year preparing for this one day, and it felt good to finally just let go of all the worrying, and be in the moment. 

I was talking recently with a friend who was impressed by my having run a few half-marathons. Having only known this person since I've moved to Ann Arbor, it was hard to emphasize how I haven't always been a runner...it has been and continues to be a lot of work to be able to say I've run that distance. When I think about why I have and will continue to do it, a big reason is all of the emotions that come along with it, particularly at the end. Like planning a wedding, training for a race takes months of hard work, compromise, and commitment. While the days leading up to a race can be overwhelming and even frightening, I'm always reminded that at that point, the hard work is (err, or isn't) done. All you can do is let go, enjoy the time you've put in, trust yourself, and be present in the moment. For me, it's worth the months of hard work to just be able to let go. It seems we're always so busy, there's always going to be something big going on. We always dream about this idea of "later," when things aren't so hectic, but is there really that time? Oddly enough, for me, running is a chance to stop, feel, and just be. 

I always hear people say that their wedding was the best of their life and I've realized now that that's possible - we are all going to have different best days. I feel a little like I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but for me, it's true as well. As crazy as that day was, there were moments within it that I will always remember so clearly, moments I've deemed my "mental snapshots" (thank you Jim and Pam), where their memory brings the exact emotions of those moments back - breakfast with some of my best friends outside on the patio that morning; seeing Ryan for the first time that afternoon; sandwiched between my parents, deep breaths taken just before walking down the aisle; watching from the balcony before being introduced to what would be a ridiculously perfect party. 

I'm going to throw it out there and guess that life is never going to slow down. There will be moments we remember to take those mental snapshots, but the rest of our days will keep flying by. Having things that anchor us - runs that give us nothing but time to think, races that allow us to appreciate everything and everyone in our lives - help make sure we remember to slow down, stop worrying for even just for a little, and enjoy it...things that make sure we don't just drift through it all.