Relationship Status: It's Complicated

In the weeks leading up to the half-marathon (for which I will have a recap up for soon), I longed for the days when I wouldn't have to think about running after work or for weekend mornings when I could sloth around the apartment guilt-free. In the hours following the half-marathon, I made the usual vows to never do anything like that again and began to share my excitement over how I would spend this new-found "free time."

Yet after all the build-up for the break-up, I find myself ready to get back out there. Not that I'm saying I am jumping into another big run anytime soon (although I know the painful memories of 13.1 will fade soon and foolishly, I'll commit to doing it all again - sucker!), but I often take for granted the feelings of familiarity and comfort that come along with running. I'm reminded of the annoyed girl who complains of an over-eager suitor, only to question his presence when he finally does get the hint and stops nagging. As soon as he finally stops, the girl wonders where he went, questions if maybe she did like him after all, and then reaches out, renewing his hope...only for the cycle to repeat, for her to begin shaking him off again.

And this is my relationship with running. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Especially in a week of such extreme emotion and turmoil, I find myself seeking out sources of comfort, striving to gain some kind of control in a time of so much uncertainty. I have been forced to sit back from afar and hear about the backdrops of my childhood and the devastation that has hit the East and impacted my closest family and friends. I think without realizing it, it has created a whirlwind of a week for me, even at a great distance. The presence of so much destruction without the normal release running provides has left me unsure of what to do and how to deal with such a range of emotions. 

I can reflect on countless runs in which I have run from my heart, running to grapple with unsteady feelings or frustrations. Without even realizing it, it have become a release for me, a place when I can attempt to work through the unfairness of the world, no matter how big or small I feel my issue is. It has become such a part of me that I feel off, even unsettled, without it. It's not to say I'm not going to continue to have my ups and downs with running, but I am becoming more confident that running will be a part of my life for a long time. Just like that annoyed girl, I will continue to reach out and reel it back it, never letting it get too far out of my sight.